Monday, January 24, 2011

My joy is pain.....sure...okay...

Hi y'all!!
Don't ask why I just said y'all, I don't think I've ever said that before...
My mind must be all scrambled up from all the traveling I've done this week. I went through probably like 6-9 states.. I'm not really sure.
But that would scramble anyones brains ya hear?

I'm finally here!! 
and when I say 'here' I obviously mean CALIFORNIA!
can you believe it? I can't. It literally feels like I'm on vacation and I have to go back. ha
This week has been sooo crazy, I can't believe I've been away from home for over a week (we started the drive from Michigan to Cali last Saturday), its literally been a whirl wind!

So, now I'm sitting here in my hotel in Glendale all alone (since I can't move into my apartment until tomorrow) and I finally get a chance to reflect on everything that has happened this week.
Its been exciting/sad/frustrating/scary/pretty much every adjective, this week.
I had to leave my friends, my family, my home, my bed, all my stuffed animals (tear) back home and come here, somewhere I've only dreamt of living. 

I won't ever forget the first time I came to LA. I was in 8th grade and it literally changed my life. A lot of you don't know this but I was in this program called IMTA (International Model and Talent Agency) and it was where they trained you to act or model or dance and then we went to LA to audition for all these different agencies. It was an awesome experience but I think I was too young to really appreciate it for what it was. I didn't get any call backs from the agencies, but I fell in the love with the city more than I ever imagined I would. 
I remember literally crying on the way back because I didn't want to go back to Michigan. I kept saying there's nothing there, its dead, its boring. And I knew I would return again one day. 

Well I was able to come back to California 3 times last year, seems like a lot I know, but it wasn't enough. So I decided to make the move out here, something I've been yearning to do since I was thirteen.

So this week has been focused on following my dream. It doesn't seem real, but I guess thats why they call it a dream, it seems too good to be true. But I'm so happy that is now reality. 

But today has been a sad day. 
Today was the day my mom left to go back home. 
Since she helped me drive out here she stayed here a few more days just to have a little vaycay, but that eventually meant that she would have to board a plane and go back home, back to the place that I once called my home. 
And as I walked back into the now one less occupant hotel room, I couldn't help but think, "Why am I doing this? Why don't I just quit everything and go back home and go back to the normal things, go back to people I know, and the bed thats molded to me, why am I here"?
I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be afraid. I wanted my mom there holding me up, helping me through, telling me what to do and when to do it. 
But I had to pick myself up, with no help, and no one telling me to do it, and face the fact that I'm growing up. 
That may sound stupid, I'm 20 years old and I'm just now realizing that growing up means separation, but well, maybe I'm just slow...or maybe it had just hit me, hard, as I sat there and wondered why I chose to come to a place that I barely knew all by myself. 
Even as I sit here writing this now, I get tears in my eyes. I wish she could have stayed here forever with me, I wish I didn't have to be alone. But I am. 

Sometimes you'll find yourself so alone you can't imagine going any further in life. It's too scary. What if you mess up? What if something bad happens and theres no one there to help you up and tell you its okay? You want to stop, and any move you have to take you take with caution, you make sure you don't step on the lines or the cracks, you tip toe through life being safe.
I write this and wonder why would I even think of wanting to live that life? To tip toe over the struggles, wether they be tiny cracks or huge boulders that I have to climb over, why would I take the safe way? 

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds.

The trials will come, its your choice to take the easy way and tip toe out of it, or embrace the struggles and be your own shoulder to lean on and know that in the end, your trial can be considered PURE JOY.

Have an awesome day!


  1. You are going to be great!! This is a scary "new" chapter in your life but it is all going to be worth it! Tonight probably feels extra lonely because you are still in the hotel, and in the transition phase. Just wait until your settled in your place, and school starts! It will be so wonderful! Plus all your glam sisters are here for you and luckily many of them live there so you already have tons of support and awesome friends right there!! You are ahead of the game and staring your dream right in the face!! You got this babe!!!! I believe in you and can't wait to hear all about all the exciting things you have ahead! Sending hugs!! xoxo

  2. Ah! I'm so happy for you! I've been thinking about going to MUD! Tell me what its like! I'm loving your blog by the way it cheers me up and so does Kandee Johnson's! You're gonna be just as huge as her I'm sure of it!Check out my blog!