Tuesday, February 18, 2014

This absense, the struggle

That's the quote I'm using to describe my absence from this blog. 

Has it really been 3 years?
3 years?!?! 

So much has happened in this 3 year gap that I literally can't even write it all in. 
I will tell you one thing though, I do miss writing. 
on paper,
on screens,
on table napkins..
I miss it. 

Crazy how Life can swallow you up and make you forget about things you once adored. 
And I'm not bitter towards Life for letting me forget to write, I'm actually glad. 
Because maybe if I was stuck in my world writing, I wouldn't have met the great friends I have today. 
Or if I decided to go home to write I would have never met the man of my dreams...
yeah, I met a man, and he'll be my husband in 6 months.
Life gives me great and it makes me forget about what I used to think was good!
I'm not bitter life, I'm more than grateful! 

I am full of life and life is full of me! 
(we both have pretty big and bloated stomachs at the moment)

But there were times,
and when I say times, I don't mean 3 hours, I mean days, weeks, sometimes a month or more,
when I thought Life hated me. 
Seemed like everything I did, just put me further behind. 
How was that possible, huh Life? 
The past years have not been a pretty perfectly polished picture, although you might beg to differ from my Instagram, but it's been beyond tough. And doesn't seem like its getting any easier.

Every corner turned I run into another problem. 
I feel like I'm in a video game, one my brothers used to play when we were younger. 
Just walking along the sidewalk when BAM! Five bad guys come out and you have to beat them up to get by. Sometimes they'll wait patiently to the side while you beat one up and then pounce on you as soon as you're done with one guy. Other times, three will attack you all at once, and you're punching one guy in the face in front of you and high kicking the guy behind you! 
You finally beat them up and walk forward with no trouble, but you know somethings up, this is a bad neighborhood, there's gotta be a gang here somewhere. 
When low and behold here they come to knock ya down again. 
But once you make it through all the challenges and win the level you feel accomplished and happy! 
And probably parched, thats a lot of finger movement on your controller...

But that's exactly how I felt! Every time I felt I made it past one challenge another one would pop up, sometimes harder, sometimes multiple challenges, and I'm doing everything I can to upper cut them into outer space without loosing my freakin head!

Somehow I always managed, and things, no matter how intense it seemed at the time, always worked out.
I constantly have to remind myself that things will always be okay! Even when they don't seem okay at the time, they are, and it will be. 

It's all okay...

I am strong because of what I have been through, I will be stronger because of what I will go through.

Can't wait to write again, see you soon!

Monday, January 24, 2011

My joy is pain.....sure...okay...

Hi y'all!!
Don't ask why I just said y'all, I don't think I've ever said that before...
My mind must be all scrambled up from all the traveling I've done this week. I went through probably like 6-9 states.. I'm not really sure.
But that would scramble anyones brains ya hear?

I'm finally here!! 
and when I say 'here' I obviously mean CALIFORNIA!
can you believe it? I can't. It literally feels like I'm on vacation and I have to go back. ha
This week has been sooo crazy, I can't believe I've been away from home for over a week (we started the drive from Michigan to Cali last Saturday), its literally been a whirl wind!

So, now I'm sitting here in my hotel in Glendale all alone (since I can't move into my apartment until tomorrow) and I finally get a chance to reflect on everything that has happened this week.
Its been exciting/sad/frustrating/scary/pretty much every adjective, this week.
I had to leave my friends, my family, my home, my bed, all my stuffed animals (tear) back home and come here, somewhere I've only dreamt of living. 

I won't ever forget the first time I came to LA. I was in 8th grade and it literally changed my life. A lot of you don't know this but I was in this program called IMTA (International Model and Talent Agency) and it was where they trained you to act or model or dance and then we went to LA to audition for all these different agencies. It was an awesome experience but I think I was too young to really appreciate it for what it was. I didn't get any call backs from the agencies, but I fell in the love with the city more than I ever imagined I would. 
I remember literally crying on the way back because I didn't want to go back to Michigan. I kept saying there's nothing there, its dead, its boring. And I knew I would return again one day. 

Well I was able to come back to California 3 times last year, seems like a lot I know, but it wasn't enough. So I decided to make the move out here, something I've been yearning to do since I was thirteen.

So this week has been focused on following my dream. It doesn't seem real, but I guess thats why they call it a dream, it seems too good to be true. But I'm so happy that is now reality. 

But today has been a sad day. 
Today was the day my mom left to go back home. 
Since she helped me drive out here she stayed here a few more days just to have a little vaycay, but that eventually meant that she would have to board a plane and go back home, back to the place that I once called my home. 
And as I walked back into the now one less occupant hotel room, I couldn't help but think, "Why am I doing this? Why don't I just quit everything and go back home and go back to the normal things, go back to people I know, and the bed thats molded to me, why am I here"?
I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be afraid. I wanted my mom there holding me up, helping me through, telling me what to do and when to do it. 
But I had to pick myself up, with no help, and no one telling me to do it, and face the fact that I'm growing up. 
That may sound stupid, I'm 20 years old and I'm just now realizing that growing up means separation, but well, maybe I'm just slow...or maybe it had just hit me, hard, as I sat there and wondered why I chose to come to a place that I barely knew all by myself. 
Even as I sit here writing this now, I get tears in my eyes. I wish she could have stayed here forever with me, I wish I didn't have to be alone. But I am. 

Sometimes you'll find yourself so alone you can't imagine going any further in life. It's too scary. What if you mess up? What if something bad happens and theres no one there to help you up and tell you its okay? You want to stop, and any move you have to take you take with caution, you make sure you don't step on the lines or the cracks, you tip toe through life being safe.
I write this and wonder why would I even think of wanting to live that life? To tip toe over the struggles, wether they be tiny cracks or huge boulders that I have to climb over, why would I take the safe way? 

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds.

The trials will come, its your choice to take the easy way and tip toe out of it, or embrace the struggles and be your own shoulder to lean on and know that in the end, your trial can be considered PURE JOY.

Have an awesome day!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Stress causes pimples

or so I hear, maybe thats why my face has been breaking out for the past...i don't know, two months. ha.
It's been a while since I've last blogged, sorry :( 
But here's a little update.
I have only 5 days until I move!!!!
How exciting right? 
I've lived in the same state, same town, same house all 20 and a half years of my life. 
So this move is monumental for me. 
I'm leaving everything, and everyone I know and moving to completely unknown territory. 
It's okay, I know I'm crazy, you don't have to tell me. ha

So, I move from Michigan to LA in 5 days. woah. 

Best part is that I haven't even started packing yet!! I'm a certified procrastinator so don't worry I have it under control. :)
The past year has all lead to this.
And honestly, I'm scared witless. 
But I think its good to be scared. If means that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. 
And I would step out of comfort zone "box" a million more times if it means that I'm one step closer to getting to my dream. 
So if you're stuck in your "box" take a day, or a week, or maybe even the rest of your life to step out of it, especially if it means coming closer to something you want.
Just DO IT!!!
Stop leading a mundane life, its boring! You know it is!! 
I'm about to have the best time of my life and its all because of a decision that I made. 
So make decisions that MAKE you step out of your box,
you'll find that life is a lot more interesting.

Have an AWESOME Monday!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

'Cause baby you're a firework

I have to say something real quickly here, because if I don't I think I might just explode, and thats no good!

Here I go...

I guess I'll start with a story.

There was this girl and she had a million dreams in life. Most of her dreams included traveling and seeing the world, then there were a few about falling in love and just being happy. 
Throughout the years her dreams grew bigger and bigger until all she could think about was fulfilling those dreams.
But she thought "These are only dreams, and dreams are not meant to come true"
So she decided to hang on to society's unusual idea of normal. 
But eventually, she got bored...very bored. 
And her dreams came back to haunt her. 
Finally, after living into society's mold for a while she decided that even though it seemed right to be "normal" that it really didn't feel right. 
She stepped out of the mold and made her own mold, that changed day after day with whatever she desired. 
Of course, when she spoke of her dreams people told her that they weren't "safe", they weren't stable, they weren't fulfillable. 
But this girl REFUSED to listen. She knew what felt right. Besides, why would she want to be safe, stable, and live life with no risks?
So story goes, this girl didn't listen to those people (wether it was her friends, teachers, or even her own family) but she decided to follow her dreams and she lived life with no regrets.

There is this other girl. 
Who was afraid of what life could offer her. She was afraid because she was taught to be afraid. 
Someone would tell her, "Don't do that, thats not how things are ought to be done. Follow life my way and I will love you forever"
Of course this girl did not want to upset this person and so she followed life down a path full of mediocrity and plain boring-ness. 
Sometimes this girl would sit and wonder what life was like out of the 4 walls she was trapped in. Could it be that other people lived there life different from hers? 
She had dreams, but was too afraid to fulfill them. 
She had chances to take those dreams and run, but let them pass her by because she let society choose her path.
Now she sits ALONE, wondering what life could have been for her. She envies the girl who lived her dreams, and she wishes nothing more than to restart and live her life the other way. 
But she can't.
And honestly, 
even if she was given the chance to live again,
do you think she would choose the different path?

So, heres what I have to say...
Every day we are faced with HUNDREDS of different choices.
Wether they be about what time we wake up, if we take the expressway or back roads, or even what shoes to wear. Either way the choices we make affect us that day. 
But when an opportunity comes up and you have to the choice to take it or leave it,
well, that choice could affect the rest of your life.
Do you want to say no that opportunity?
and for the rest of you life wonder if you made the right choice?
If you say no, think about what you're missing. 
If you say yes, whats to miss? Your bedroom in your small town where society controls your every move? 

I hate to see people give up there dreams and waste them on "unliving" moments. 
You only may have this ONE chance, PLEASE don't let it pass you by.

Are YOU girl 1 or girl 2?


watch this.

Friday, December 10, 2010

When life gives you lemonade, you drink it all up!

or...... something like that... ha
Today, has been interesting....
On my way to one job, my car died, which caused me to sit in my car for a half hour, while it just kept getting colder and colder, waiting for my step-dad to come help me out. 
Well, it got fixed. Or so I thought....
So, while driving from one to job to the next, my car dies again. 
Here I am, stuck on the side of the road, freezing, and all I'm bummed about is that I didn't bring my Flip Cam along with me today....
The time I spent in the car today by myself was AWESOME! 
I played this super game called 'Guess the next make and color of the car coming up behind you'
I lost, but still, it was fun. 

Anyways, this blog doesn't have much of a point to it except that today I was late for both my jobs, my poor car is sitting in the driveway unable to run, and I got absolutely no footage of me yelling at passing cars... its a sad life I know.

But real point of this blog is that no matter what happens in your life, wether it be something tragic or something as little as stubbing your toe, you should always be positive and happy that above all else, you still have your life.
Because Life is a beautiful thing
And sometimes you see the beauty in it while sitting in a broken car on the side of the road, laughing at your own jokes, thankful to have such an awesome personality ( :D hah)
or if you see it while watching the sun set over a snowy hill.

Either way, Life is amazing, don't let it pass you by


Thursday, December 9, 2010

The power of a Band-Aid

Today, I cut my finger...
And although by looking at that picture it may not look like I cut it very deep, but trust me, this baby, was painful.
I was working (at a restaurant) and when I went to go cut a piece of bread, the knife (well, really it was my hand but I'll put the blame on the knife) slipped and was stopped by my poor little pointer finger. 
I looked down and saw a deep gash that was quickly filling with blood so I rushed over to the sink to run my finger under it. 
By this time I couldn't hold my finger away from the water for no more than 1.5 seconds before blood was dripping from my cut, so since the water was relieving and appeared to make the blood stop, I held it under there.
Eventually, my boss came over with a Band-Aid and told me to stop holding it under the water because that wouldn't stop the bleeding, but that I needed to put this Band-Aid on it to help put pressure on the cut. 
 I unwillingly withdrew my finger from the running faucet and put the Band-Aid on. 
Eventually, the bleeding stopped, and as you can see from this picture the "gash" is now nearly a cut. Fascinating how fast things can heal when you put a Band-Aid on it huh?

So, these "gashes" can refer back to our own life. 
Maybe someone's hurt you, and you have this "gash" on your heart. But for some reason you refuse to let this person out of your life. The person who causes you so much pain is like the running water, they're not going to stop the bleeding, but you sure as heck believe that they can. 
So, if we find ourselves doing this we have to step back and look at the situation. Say to yourself, "Even though I may love this person and I want this person to be in my life, they don't want the same. Its a hard fact, but one that I will have to, and can, live with."
So once you've taken your gash away from the running water and you're bleeding from the wound freely, is when you need to become your own Band-Aid. The choice is yours, either be drowned in the sadness and hurt of this person and always be bleeding, or stop it now and heal your own heart. 
Don't get me wrong, even if you choose to bandage yourself up, there might still be some bleeding that can seep through and ruin even the most perfect of days, but thats when you apply more pressure and get over it. 

Be your own Band-Aid, you'll be amazed at the healing powers.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

First Blog EVER!

Today, December 8th, (even though I only have 12 minutes left of this day as of right now), is my very first blog EVER!!

Exciting right?

I've been wanting to start a blog for quite some time but never have gotten around to it, so now here I am blogging away.
Oh I just feel so professional right now. Well, as professional as you can get while wearing your PJ's and sitting on your bed writing on a computer screen.... But you catch my drift right?

There's not much I wanted to say, what do you say anyways on a blog? Anything I guess.

I hope you all will follow me along on this amazing journey I call Life. It should be fun, it should be interesting, lets hope its AWESOME!!

In the meantime, since this blog is ending quite faster than I anticipated, I will now direct you to my other forms of social networking, for your viewing pleasure.

Please subscribe to my youtube channel where you find all sorts of goodies, mostly about make-up, but who doesn't love makeup?? ha.
And please follow me on Twitter!! its sooo much fun!!

So I guess this is where I'll leave.
It feels like I'm leaving a new friend that I've only met for 8 minutes...but don't worry, I'll be back soon!!